God girl grill gridiron

Saturday, October 11, 2008

That's it, Auburn Tigers

I watched a heads-up jump pass sail, mallard-like, over the arms of #32. #32 who sat on the absolute frontward edge of a yawning, chasm-like hole in the razorback endzone coverage. #32, who chose to stand right on the hip of the linebacker who spied Kodi Burns, Kodi Burns who threw the jump pass that arced harmlessly over a crowd of turning helmets like a migratory bird. Mysterious, bound for locales unknown in the specific, but certain in principle: gone for the season. Led by forces inscrutable to my human eyes - magnetism? the Coriolis forces? - that ball wobbled into the distance, taking its mysteries and the hope of this Autumn with it.

I barely watched the closing minutes, but I did see that final play - the all-too-predictable interception hurled into no-man's land. But by then, I was entirely spent. Exhausted. I just laughed. What else can a fan do, Auburn Tigers? For every big play by the defense, there was a humongous failure. For every humongous failure by the offense, there was another humongous failure. The only healthy response to such a dramatic, cataclysmic implosion of the football team to which fandom is my birthright is suck it up and laugh. Just for a moment, appreciate the delicious, oozing irony that UT Martin will roll into town wearing our uniforms and running our old offense. Unctuous and greasy it may be, but it's the only thing on the menu in Jordan-Hare.

It's going to be hard when every game is no longer a potential loss, but a likely loss. LSU, I'm afraid, was merely the angelic clarion. Vanderbilt was the first horseman, Arkansas the second. Georgia will be the third and yes, Alabama will ride into T-town on the white horse.

you watch it, boy, you gon' go and make a liar out 'a me

There have been multiple posts decrying the boos, and the recent tendency of Auburn fans to be personally vicious in blogs and comments to blogs. All such admonitions have been well-reasoned, compassionate, and convicting. And they were duly heeded, here at the Acorn. One was even blogged up.

But for God's sake, what is Chris Todd doing on a football field*? Why - as was so deliciously pointed out by the commentator - why is he permitted to steal* snaps and steal essential playing time from Kodi Burns? Is Neil Caudle blind? Peg-legged? Paraplegic? No? Then if we must take Burns out, PUT* NEIL* IN* THE* GAME*!

My father quoted this guy Ron Smith, who says "You can fix a lot of things but you can't fix stupid." Or like my mom said, "You can't put back what was never there in the first place." I won't go as far as to say Chris Todd* is an idiot, but whatever he is you can't* fix* it*.

lose the Rhoads-colored glasses

I won't say "I told you so" because the lone blogger, Grotus' Acorn, don't tell no thing to no body. But this game should come as no surprise to anyone. Just as the offense has continued its long campaign deep into the greasy heart of suck, the demons that once populated our defense have been entirely exorcised. That's it. No excuses. We can't even fall back on blaming the offense, because Arkansas - &%#$ing ARKANSAS - busted off a grinding 80 yard drive on their very first possession. We pursued poorly and tackled badly from the initial snap.

I'm quoting Tubby directly here about the Vandy game: we should have won 13-0. Likewise, we should have won this one. The offense, for all its hilarious misadventures* scored, and the special teams scored. The defense blew it, right out of the gate.

I don't know what's wrong with us. I just don't know why we aren't Auburn anymore.

OK, so maybe I will say "told you so"

My Mom - love her to death - put it thusly:
We lost? Guess firing the coach didn't do anything to help.
Being a firm proponent of hiring offensive coordinators to run certain offenses, and then allowing them to run those certain offenses...
... I could not agree more.

UPDATE: Peep this scenario, Auburn Tigers: we have yet again attracted blogosphere-wide attention for our never-ending litany of suck - only this time without Tony Franklin! Hahahaha in fact we're worse haha without the coach we just fired hahahaha that was an unbelievably bad decision Tubby hahahahahaha....

I'm glad I inspire you, but Grotus' Acorn, why you so mad?
Try to understand, I do want you as a fan.

I'm a fan for life, Auburn Tigers. It pisses me off that blood is red, that when cut I do not physically bleed orange and blue**. I was in the student section at the 1982 Iron Bowl in the womb, forever galvanized by the roar of thousands of tiger faithful as Bo went over the top, the lance right through the heart of the Crimson Tide. I will ever cling to the banner, be thrilled by the flight of our eagles, and keep those proud and talented young men as my heroes. And be assured, there are bright spots, opportunities to learn that were seized. There have to be mistakes before there will be successes, and I'm glad that Tommy Tuberville has decided to man up and take the big step back* that must precede the two steps forward. War Damn Eagle, always.

But it hurts, tigers. It breaks my heart to see these players give every drop of red, red blood on that field and come up so achingly short against opponents who are their lessers.

*LOLZ omigwad guyz I'm gonna ground it so farr bak well be calld half the diztanz to the goal LOLZ thrrd nad thrrrrty-twoooooo werr eegul ROTFLMAOZ!!!

** Ah, to be a crustacean.

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